“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8
I’ve been asked what it took for me to finally come out of the “porn fog” and honestly deal with my problem. It was likely a combination of things but the thing I am most grateful for is hearing the truth, both from God, and those around me. I’ll never forget the day my wife screamed at me through her tears and said, “Do you want to lose this!” She was right. If I didn’t change my ways I would lose everything. I would lose my wife and family, my job for sure, and any sort of reputation or influence I had would vanish. She was telling me the TRUTH! Which is what I needed to hear.
Sometimes that’s all you can do as a spouse or friend. Just be consistent with the truth. Never let them wear you down to where you compromise or somehow give them permission to continue doing what they are doing.
I wrote the following note in response to an email I received asking me how to deal with a guy who was saying all the right things but when it came down to it did not DO the right things to get healthy:
Just from my limited perspective on your friend I would say he’s still not fully open to change or sobriety. So, the sad reality is that there is very little that can be done. Often the move into sobriety and recovery come at a tremendous cost to the addict. In other words until he loses (or almost loses) that which is most important to him he may not snap out of it and seek help. A friend of mine calls it is called a “crisis of truth” it is when he comes face-to-face with the insanity of his addiction and realizes what is at stake. Similar to the prodigal son who didn’t go home until he, “came to his senses” while being tempted to eat pig slop.
What I think you can do is always be truthful with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is headed for disaster. Remind him of the fact that if he truly “loves” his wife then he will seek recovery at whatever cost in order to be the husband that she deserves. The crazy thing is most guys (myself included at one point) are simply looking for a way to stop the bad behavior and kick a habit that is causing as much distress in their lives as it does pleasure.
That really isn’t the point though. Ultimately we want to see men embrace a deep level of intimacy with their spouses and others because they WANT too and because the Holy Spirit is compelling them to. The goal isn’t simply to resist the bad stuff but it is to fully embrace the beauty of purity and holiness. It is to see sex for the God-ordained gift and conduit for intimacy (not only physical) that it is rather than simply a random orgasmic fix that we need from time to time.
Again, in grace and truth talk to this brother. The TRUTH is he isn’t really serious about getting healthy!! If he were then he would pursue some real recovery steps and not blame things on some bad counselors (although there are some). He would also be going far beyond X3watch as good as it is. In other words accountability doesn’t work if you don’t have the goal of purity, and integrity in mind. It just becomes glorified web babysitting for a grown man! He needs to lose some anonymity and embrace a real path toward healing and recovery.
Encourage him to get into a real small group. Encourage him to attend an Every Mans Battle conference. Tell him that ultimately he could lose everything.
Here are some links I highly recommend: