Thanks for sharing what is going on with you. I can certainly identify with your story. I’ve lived it as well and to some extent continue to battle daily. I think what you are experiencing is the ongoing struggle to maintain purity and sobriety while still emerging from the addiction. In other words it isn’t just a “clean break” the temptations and old patterns linger for months even years. What I’ve learned over the years in dealing with the same thing is that I must diligently be seeking Christ first in everything. That means my daily walk with Him is the most integral part of my remaining sober. Scripture reading, praying, solitude, and serving others are all critical to not only staying away from porn but also losing a taste for it altogether. In other words if we engage with a Holy God enough then the thought of consuming something as unholy as porn will become extremely unattractive.
There’s also a matter of the heart. Or the “inner life” typically people who struggle with porn DON’T have a SEX problem! They have an INTIMACY problem that manifests itself through an unhealthy dependency on porn because it provides a FALSE INTIMACY. That is why I believe it is so critical for you to have friends and have a community of people you are connecting with on a regular basis. It means that you are connecting in an open and authentic way too.
You’re right too, that porn steals your PEACE and that is exactly our enemy’s plan! Where there is no peace, there is no progress or spiritual growth! So as long as porn is causing you to be uneasy or lack peace then you won’t grow spiritually and in fact you will likely digress!
So three things I want you to think and pray over:
1. Surrender your sexuality every day during your personal devotional time. Read, pray, and simply enjoy the presence of God but specifically speak the words, “I surrender my sexuality to you today Lord”
2. Find a group/community you can be a part of IMMEDIATELY and don’t give me the excuse that you are shy! Every Christian needs a community and you’re not the exception. Gather regularly with this group. Share honestly and open your life up to them. It may be that you need to find a Celebrate Recovery www.celebraterecovery.com group somewhere in the area.
3. Read, read , read. Read some good Christian books about the issue of sexual integrity. Every Man’s Battle, The Game Plan, are just a couple I recommend. Also read my book Breaking the Silence.
Courage, Bernie